My mom informed me last night that my cousin Carly is leaving for Afghanistan next week. She is an aeronautical engineer with the Canadian forces and has been working on a development team producing new long range missiles. Since our soldiers were deployed before these were designed, she has to go over and train them.

I have mixed feelings on the whole thing. On the one hand I'm thinking, "Oh my god! She's going to Afghanistan!"... but then I think, it's really not any more dangerous then driving your car down the road. The last statistic I heard was that only 24 Canadian soldiers have been killed in 5 years. My mom was kind of freaking out and seemed mad at me that I wasn't more upset. She chose to join the military though. She also chose to be a part of a development team that is creating weapons that could potentially kill thousands of people. She is putting her life on the line, but nobody is making her do it.

I am still dumbfounded that she chose to go into the military in the first place. Carly and I were really close as teenagers, she's only a year older than I am. She was always so bubbly, happy, and just radiated this innocence and sweetness that was just comforting to be around. How does somebody like that decide to develop missiles?

We've grown very far apart now, she's married, lives in Ottawa, and I haven't talked to her in ages so I can't ask why she's made her decisions, or even wish her a safe mission. I hope she comes home quickly and safely and that this whole war would just end already. I think the citizens of Afghanistan have suffered enough already.

And I could not ask for more

This week has been such an eye opener to how truly fortunate I am.

I have amazing friends who love me for who I am and love my family like their own.

I have a beautiful and healthy baby boy who every single day gives me a reason to laugh and shows me something new.

I have a husband who each day challenges me to see the world a little differently and gives the world's best hugs.

I have a new home on the way that has been designed by us every step of the way.

I have three beautiful furry babies that love me unconditionally and give me warmth and comfort when I need it most.

I have the best mom in the world. She is funny, supportive, and kicks me in the butt when I need it.

There is a lot to be thankful for. Happy Thanksgiving to our southern cousins!

Some days I think my husband is trying to convert me

...into being an atheist. He sent me this article today and told me to read it.

I don't understand why there's always all this talk about science vs. religion. I'm not against science, but I'm also definitely not against religion. I think that living your life without faith or a belief in a higher power is honestly just plain sad. What's the point to it all?

I could go on and on and on about the difference between religion and spirituality, and the meaning of life, but haven't we all heard it before? It sounds so contrite, but can't we all just get along?

I will worship my deities and honor my belief system the way I see fit. I will continue to believe that the the divine can speak to us through our dreams and messages, and that we can in fact alter our realities by the sheer power of our thoughts and intent. Some people think I'm crazy, and I'm okay with that. Who am I hurting?

I don't care what you believe in, just as long as you believe. Have some faith people! If you can't believe in karma or a higher power, then what's to stop everyone from just acting on every impulse they have?

Too many questions, too little time.... for now I hope that the religious debate will cease in my home for awhile, because a pagan defending Christianity and religion to an atheist is just far too tiring.

Me = Lazy

I don't know when it happened that I became so lazy. Probably about the same time that I realized, "Hey! I don't have a boss anymore!" With no retribution to worry about, I definitely don't have the same fire I used to.

Yesterday I went to the extent of driving to Claresholm to visit Anna so I could avoid housework. (and because I love you, Anna!) It worked well both ways, I didn't do housework, AND Anna made me borscht and cookies. Plus Nick ordered pizza last night... all good things to a lazy housewife.

I'm sure I'm not as bad as some people out there. I do tidy on a regular basis, and heck, I clean on a regular basis too but the house is far from the show room it used to be.

I honestly think I should go get some blood work done.... maybe I'm anemic, or maybe I am truly just plain lazy right now. I think the cats have it right, curl up in a sunbeam from the window and purr the day away.

Tristan, Month 5 Newsletter

Dear Tristan,
Yesterday you turned 5 months old! I have a feeling that this is going to be the best month ever, mostly because I think this is going to be the last month that you aren't able to be mobile on your own. You are just itching to crawl and get going!

So many exciting things have happened this month! You have started at Gymboree and absolutely love the songs and being able to play on the tummy mirror. Much to my chagrin you also love Gymbo the clown. I have a deep seeded childhood fear of clowns, but I love you so much I have given in and bought you your very own Gymbo doll for Christmas. See the sacrifices I make for you?

You have become a rolly polley baby this month! You had already mastered the art of rolling from your tummy to your back, but now you have gotten really good at doing a full 360. Now comes the hard part - we have to watch you at all times so that you don't roll away on us. So I guess it's not entirely true that you're not mobile yet... at least we're not quite at the crawling stage though.

You also experienced your first snowfall. After that I think we both decided to hibernate. Much better to cuddle by the fire than play out in the cold.



This month you also got your first tooth! Yay! You have a bit of a Jack O Lantern grin with just the one bottom tooth, it's very sweet. If I say to you, "Where's your tooth?" You smile and point to it with your tongue, you're very proud.

Speaking of Jack O Lantern's, this month we celebrated your first Halloween. You dressed up as a kitty cat and charmed everyone that saw you. No trick or treating yet though, that's against our rules. Which for the record are:
1) Must be able to walk
2) Must be able to hold own candy bag
3) Must have teeth to chew candy
4) Must be able to say Trick or Treat AND Thank-you
But once you are old enough I will show you the ins and outs of cashing in on the best candy.




You have also learned to pet the kitties. For the most part you are gentle, but every once in awhile Chloe's long fur is too tempting and you give it a bit of a pull. They love their little brother though and accept your affection graciously. We also added a new kitty for you to love, Charlie. I think he's your favorite because you giggle every time he comes by when you're playing.

You are so much fun now! I love every moment that I spend with you, even though lately we seem to be spending more time together at 11pm at night. I can't believe you're already 5 months old!!!

Love Momma
xoxoxoxo

I Married Martha Stewart

Reading the paper on Sunday morning...

Nick: Oooh! Michael's has holiday floral stems and berries on 50% off!
Me: *blink blink*
Nick: Don't tell anyone I just said that.
Me: Oh I'm totally blogging this!

Random Smatterings

The weekend is over and somehow I feel more exhausted and not at all rested than when it began. I think that's what happens once you have a child, you no longer get "breaks" there is also something to rush off and do.

Charles Fluffy Pants I (or unofficially just Charlie) joined our family on Saturday. He is a big bear of a cat who loves his cuddles and purrs like a jet engine. I think he'll fit in nicely once the other cats stop trying to intimidate him. Let me tell you though Bitchy Chloe and Poofy Milo make quite the pair. Chloe's walking about hissing at anything and everything, and Milo alternates between cuddling Charlie and poofing up like a little fluffy squirrel. I'd take pictures, but I dropped our camera one to many times and it's in the repair shop.

In other news Nick had yesterday off so he joined me and the babe at Gymboree. Not too sure how daddy felt about that, but he put on a brave face. Must be scary to be the only man in a room full of stay at home moms. I had to laugh that when discussion time came around nobody has anything to say because normally the topic is something like, "My husband won't change diapers, what do I do?" And with men around we women like to pretend that we never talk about our man behind their back (yeah right).

Christmas shopping was (almost) finished last night! Just one more gift to go, and I know what I'm buying. This is probably the most organized I have ever been with the shopping, I think it's because with Tristan now I have this new found paranoia of having to wait in long lines....what if he screams?... what if his diaper is wet?...what if he gets hungry???? Not to mention the horror of having to park way on the other end of a cold and snowy parking lot. No thanks!

And there was my weekend pretty much in a nutshell. Not including of course the fact that my dear son did not go to bed before 11:00pm for the last four nights (I think we might have managed 10:47pm last night)... the fact that I spent my Friday night watching "Garfield" with my parents... and that I had to endure a miserable lunch with my bi-polar Grandmother yesterday. Life just couldn't be more fun!

Tristan's Birth Story

This is greatly overdue, but here it goes (to the best of my memory)

It was 2 days before my due date and I was just starting to fall asleep when I felt a really strong pain in my back and abdomen, I cringed and moaned a little bit, “Maybe this is it!” I thought. I nudged Nick awake and told him that I thought the baby might be coming, he was very groggy and asked if I minded if he went back to sleep, and so he did. The contractions continued for the next hour and a half, and then stopped. So much for that!

I had a very restless sleep that night. I kept thinking that maybe the contractions would start again. I was so anxious to have this baby and to not be pregnant anymore!

In the morning Nick woke up and realized that he’d slept the whole night, and no baby. He decided to not go into work that day, I had a midwife appointment that morning so he decided to go along.

During the appointment my midwife handed me some documents about inducement and carrying past term, “Just to ward off the demons” she said. Nick was convinced that she didn’t think the baby was coming anytime soon. I really, really hoped this wasn’t the case! We spent the rest of the day relaxing and enjoying the fact that he wasn’t at work and it was just the two of us. I was exhausted from the lack of sleep the night before so I went to have a nap. I woke up and had a long, relaxing bath. I got dressed in a nightgown and headed downstairs to see Nick.

As I was standing talking to him I felt something trickle down my leg. I thought I must have not done a very job drying myself off, I was so big now I must have missed a spot! But just as that thought crossed my mind I felt a huge gush, and I stared at Nick in disbelief - my water just broke! It was just after 9pm, so Nick thought he’d better call everyone to let them know before it got too late. Our midwife said to try to get some sleep as it could be a long night ahead.

I lay there but there was no chance of sleeping. Nick meanwhile was washing the floor, feeding the cats, touching up paint on the walls, all of his projects he had meant to do before baby arrived!

At about 10pm my contractions started, and they were STRONG. My first one knocked me down on my knees, I couldn’t believe the intensity. They were coming about every 15 minutes, and an hour after they started I told Nick to call my mom and our doula to let them know they needed to come soon.

The contractions kept getting stronger, but I found that if I leaned against the stairs I felt like I was in a better position to deal with them. My dear cat Chloe sat with me on the steps and licked my forehead, she must have been wondering why I was in such pain!

Nick started the shower for me and I sat there letting the water rush over me, it was so nice to have the distraction and the heat was making my back feel so much better. The water started to get cold (stupid small hot water tank!) so I got out and sat in the rocking chair.

At about midnight my mom and my doula (Tamara) arrived. As I sat and rocked Tamara massaged my feet and my mom and Nick held my hands. The contractions were coming about every 5 minutes at this point and I really hoped my midwife would get there soon.

At 1 am my first midwife Patti arrived. She checked me and said I was already 5cm dilated, “Thank God! Halfway there!” The contractions were so strong and I couldn’t fight the urge to push. Patti ran a hot bath for me and taught me a breathing technique to help ward off the pushing. I relaxed into the water and tried to let my mind slip away. I alternated between the water, the toilet, and crouching on the bed. Nick held my hand the whole way and Tamara stroked my back. I was so incredibly nauseous and kept having to vomit. Patti offered me some gravol to help make it stop but in my head I kept thinking, “Gravol is a drug, no drugs… can’t take drugs.” So I refused and kept on puking (stupid stubbornness). I just tried to focus and be in my own thoughts. Everything else just seemed to melt away…..

It seemed like only a short while later when Patti checked me again and said I was 9cm, almost there! At this point I could not fight the urge to push and she let me just give in. I was in so much pain and so exhausted that she thought I should get into the tub again. I hadn’t planned for a water birth – but it looked like that’s what I was going to get!

So there we were, me in the tub, Nick holding my hand, Patti sitting beside, my mom, and Tamara filming the birth, all in my little tiny bathroom! We were still waiting for my second midwife Kimberley to arrive and I hoped she wouldn’t miss the birth!

The baby crowned for about 15 minutes, in between pushes I felt his head and his hair floating in the water. Almost there… just need to focus…Kimberley finally arrived, and I pushed and pushed, and finally HE WAS OUT! Patti put him on my chest and Nick and I just stared in amazement. We did it! At 3:53 am on his due date, June 14, 2006, our little baby Tristan had arrived. He screamed out his arrival and Nick looked at me and said “I’m sure this is the only time I’ll say this, but that is the most beautiful sound in the world.”

After the midwives checked out me and the baby and handled all of the paper work, Tamara and my mom kissed us goodbye and tucked us into bed. There we were, Nick, Tristan, and I, all snuggled together as a family.

Wow, what a night! It was such a gift to have had such a wonderful birth, at home, naturally without any interventions, just as I had wanted it.

Clean Slate

We had a huge snowfall last night and all of the houses in the suburbs look like a gingerbread village dusted with icing sugar, beatiful and delicious. This is just the kind of day that I needed.

Yesterday was a bad day. I had a miscarriage yesterday morning, and even though I didn't know I was pregnant, it's still hard. At the time I really wasn't that upset, just in physical pain. Last night though Tristan was having problems sleeping in his crib so he came to bed and snuggled up against me, and I held him close to my chest and just thought, "Wow, we could have had this again in a few months, and now we're not going to."

It's truly for the best, I am honestly thinking now that I only want one child, it just makes you think.

In happier news, I am registered to go to a workshop on starting your own dayhome in December. It would be nice to be able to say home with the babe and earn an income at the same time. There were basically three choices - just stay home with Tristan and not have any money (not a good option for me, Nick and I aren't very good at being frugal), go back to work and put Tristan into daycare (I don't like this option as I don't want someone else raising my child), or have a dayhome which can make me money and allow me to stay home with my son (and gives Tristan some in-house playmates). So that's the plan! And for all of you thinking "Sam, run a dayhome? Seriously?" I actually used to help out with running a dayhome when I was in grades 11 and 12 so it's not a foreign concept to me. There were 8 kids there though, I'm aiming for 2-3.

So, that's life in a nutshell. I am going to go and cozy up to the fire with my hot chocolate and my kitties before Tristan wakes up.

Happy snow day everyone!

The case for natural cleaners

I greatly dislike using chemical cleaners. I either make my own or buy organic. And this reminds me of why.

Truthfully in the past I didn’t even give much thought into what I was using to clean with. The more I read though it seemed impossible to ignore that these are dangerous. We’re talking about products that can burn our skin, poison our lungs, pollute our water, and yet people are using them every single day and don’t even consider the costs of their actions.

It’s not difficult to go natural, really, it’s not. If you don’t want to take the 5 minutes every week to mix them yourself, then buy a good all-purpose cleaner from the natural food store. If everyone did this I really believe the world could be a much safer, healthier place for everyone.

Mom's Night Out

Thank-you to my wonderful friends who took me out, fed me, and gave me alcohol, much appreciated! Last night was honestly the first time that I have gone out since Tristan was born that I didn't worry about him. I know that it seems silly that I would ever worry about leaving him with his dad, but of course, I do.

Now, don't get me wrong, Nick is a wonderful father, but it's that stubborn mom streak. I have the boobs, therefore I hold the power (with the baby anyway). Nobody, not my husband, my mother, my mother-in-law, could possibly live up to my expectations. Let's face it, most days I don't live up to my own expectations.

In my head, Tristan's ideal caregiver would change his diaper right away when it was wet, would be engaged with him the whole time playing and stimulating him, and would bathe him and have him in bed by 8:30pm.

Now, my reality is much different. Admittedly I end up putting him in his exersaucer so I can do laundry, clean, cook, whatever. I sometimes leave him to cry for a couple of minutes in a wet diaper if I am in the middle of something. And with me lately he never, ever, goes to bed on time. I also let him play by himself on the floor, or cuddle with me on the couch so I can enjoy watching tv for an hour or so and relax.

We can't all be perfect though. And we definitely can't be perfect at everything. There are not enough hours in the day to spend all of them with my child, have a squeaky clean house, make sure my husband is content, devote time to my spirituality and new hearth, and somehow have some ME time so that I don't go flippin insane. And Nick wonders why some days I am down right grouchy!

He loves me, he really really loves me!

Nicky said I can get another kitty! Actually I think he said "Do whatever you want." Usually I sense his disapproval and do not do whatever I want, but not this time. I just emailed Meow to find out about my kitty. YAY! So in love with this cat...

I've decided more cats, no more babies...

I have cats on the brain...

I stupidly check out the Meow Foundation website to look at their beautiful kitties for adoption from time to time, and I've fallen in love!

His name is Snocone and he's BEAUTIFUL! So sweet. I know people think I'm nuts, but 3 cats isn't that bad is it? I know they drive me crazy sometimes but life without them would be so boring.

Perhaps my lovely husband will consent as a Christmas gift to me. Maybe... if he loves me enough...



*sings* All I want for Christmas is a brand new kitty, a brand new kitty, a brand new kitty.