Contentment

Last night we celebrated Samhain in our first ritual of the Sunlit Hearth. All I have to say is - wow! It was amazing! Jeff & I drove down to Claresholm and as a group we went to Cripple Creek. It was a truly beautiful place. Tristan was absolutely loving the wind and the fall colours on the prarie were spectacular.





I won't divulge any of the ritual, but it was really really special. What a gift to be able to celebrate with such dear friends.





I brought home the pumpkin I had carved in ritual and Milo promptly set to work at fishing the tea light out of his mouth - and he did eventually succeed! Looks like the little guy is enjoying his first Halloween so far.





And now this morning everything is covered in a blanket of beautiful snow. It seems appropriate, a layer of snow to cover up the past. Everything looks fresh, beautiful, and still. I think that this new path is a rebirth and the start of something really incredible.

Avon!

I am really embracing my new stay-home-mom role... I have signed up to be an Avon representative. Woohoo! So if anyone is interested, let me know... I've got lots of catalogues to go around. I'm actually looking forward to it. I don't except to make any money off of it, but I like their products and I buy it for myself, so why not?

Tristan, Month 4 Newsletter

Dear Tristan,
Wow! This last month flew by so quickly that I forgot to post your newsletter! This last month has been a little hard, I have to admit. I have felt a little tired and rundown, some days I have felt guilty that I am not as energetic as I feel I should be for you... I hope you forgive me, I'm still new to this mom thing and I had no idea that entertaining a little baby all day would be so exhausting.



At least you sleep... you used to go to bed promptly at 8pm... now it's more like 10pm when you finally decide to completely exhaust yourself and collapse. But you do nap, and for that I am extremely thankful. I had to remind myself tonight as I again tried to nurse you to sleep that these are the moments to treasure. Some day down the road, you will be embarrased to acknowledge that I exist in public, but for now, I am your first love, and for that I am so grateful.



You have changed so much this last month! You are so strong and you've gotten pretty good at attemtpting to sit on your own. You love to play on your belly on the floor, and you have gotten so good at grasping objects in front of you.



I have noticed such a change in your looks this month. I still see glimmers of you as a newborn, but already I can see glimpses into what you will look like as a man. You look so much like your Grandpa! Sometimes I look at you and it just brings me to tears because I look into your eyes and I see him. You have no idea how much it means to me to see that. I hope that someday you will ask me, "Tell me about Grandpa" and I will. I will tell you about how strong he was, and how he could charm anyone in the room... and I will tell you how proud he would be of his grandson, because let me tell you, he would have loved to see you!



When people used to tell me how much I would love you, I would shrug it off. Of course I would love you! But I didn't understand.... this month it has been overwhelming. You are my soul, my light. On the days when I feel tired like I wish I didn't have to get out of bed, all I have to do is gaze at you sleeping in your crib and I think, "How did I get so lucky?"

Years from now, when you've left home and start a family of your own, I will look back on this month and remember that this is the month that I truly fell in love.

Love,
Momma
xoxoxoxoxox

Relief

Today has been a good day. Sometimes things happen that shake you to your core, make you stop and evaluate who you are and what you have done. Sometimes we regret what we have done, and sometimes we don't. Today, I don't. I know that I have hurt some people who have been a big part of my life, I have been hurt as well. Doesn't make it right, doesn't make it fair, but that's the way it is. It feels now that the cycle is complete and it can now dissolve itself.

I feel renewed spiritually, more creative, more drive to move forward, to learn and grow. Sometimes we need to just close the book on the past, it's not about starting a new chapter, it's about just tearing up the old book and starting a new one! I don't think that there is anything more raw and passionate than spirituality, it is our very spirit and center, sharing that with others is always difficult and not always pretty. Sometimes you want to fight for it, and other times you realize that it is just better to let it go.

It seems appropriate that all of this has happened at Samhain... it is the death of what was, and the rebirth of something new.

WORST NIGHT EVER

I do not begrudge Nick his nights out, I really don't, but last night I really could have used some help.

Nick went out to his friends place with the intention of getting really drunk and staying over. I was actually kind of looking forward to it. I thought Tristan would go to bed and I would stay up drinking root beer, watching "Project Runway" and cross stiching, all the makings of a perfect evening. Yeah, that sooooooo did not happen.

Tristan fell asleep at 8:15 while I was nursing him, so I put him in his crib and called my mother to brag at how great my baby was. After that it all went to hell in a handbasket. Tristan woke up screaming 5 minutes later, so I brought him downstairs to cuddle on the couch... apparently Heidi Klum just doesn't do it for him because he then proceeded to scream at the tv. We then had 4 MORE HOURS of screaming, yes people, 4. The cats were sitting there staring at him with horrified expressions as if to say "How do we turn this thing off, Mom?" We finally both fell asleep while I was nursing him in bed at about 1:00am. It was hell...

But, now it's 9:40am and the kid's still sleeping, so I'm making up for lost time - drinking root beer, watching Antique's Roadshow, and cross stitching. Woohoo, I am a party animal!

Suddenly I came to my senses....

In our new parent glow and awe at our beautiful boy, Nick and I had decided that having a new baby right away would be great - double the fun, right? Thankfully we've come out of the psychosis and decided maybe not so much fun. I have had two days of feeling crappy and it sparked something in my brain to remind me of how crappy I felt while I was pregnant. There was the non-stop morning sickness in my first trimester, the arthritis flair-ups, the so tired all I can do is sleep all day. That does not sound like something I want to tackle along with Tristan starting to talk, walk, eat, you know, all the basics.

A part of me is sad about the decision, it almost feels like if we don't just let nature takes it course, then maybe when we do decide we want another one it just won't happen. I have to remind myself it's not a now or never kind of thing though.

Right now I want to enjoy all of Tristan's milestones, relish in having free time when he sleeps in and naps during the day, and focus on this new house. Nick started to worry that if I got pregnant right away we wouldn't be able to go to England in the spring, it would be another hellish moving scenario with me not being able to lift anything, and landscaping the new yard would be a one man job. These were all things that we were looking forward to doing together, so now we don't have to stress about it.

And who knows, maybe in the next year I can get myself back to a size 4 and feel like myself again (I can dream, right?)

Spending and the new house

I'm sure you all are wondering how our "no spending" thing is going. Actually, pretty well. I have not bought anything on my no-no list - no books, no clothes, no toys for Tristan, and I haven't missed it. Of course, the reason why I'm probably not missing it is because we have started shopping for the new house. Nothing helps you to not miss spending money like, well, spending money!

But let me take a moment to gush about the new house, because it's going to be pretty freaking amazing! On Friday we went and pick all of our cabinetry. We are going to have beautiful maple cabinets with a Forest Green stain on them, very chic. Similar to these:



I have lots of pots and pans drawers and a built-in spice rack and cutlery drawer, I'm drooling over those. When we go to buy our appliances I'm going with stainless steel - I know not always the most practical with fingerprints and such, but with the green, I think they'll be really sharp.

It wasn't time for us to pick our lighting yet, but we were by Carrington so we thought we'd stop in and look and ended up just buying a couple of lights out of pocket because they were on sale and I really, really, really wanted them! I got the cutest chandalier for Tristan's room with little airplanes on it - we had already decided to do an airplane theme for his room so I had to have it, and they had a matching table lamp. For the dining nook we found the perfect Tiffany chandalier to compliment our green cupboards and antique oiled brass hardware:



When we go to pick the rest of the lighting I think we're going to go with mostly Tiffany fixtures because I just love them so much!

So things are totally coming together. We're getting a foundation this week and have a posession date for April 1st. YAY!

Memories

Fall always seems the time to reminisce.... to look back on all of our accomplishments and failures, not to judge, but just to remember. To think on the past and pull up those old emotions, slip them on like an old comfy sweater and snuggle into them, if only for a moment. So many random memories have been flying into my head lately...

My grandparents garden in Sidney... my dad and I have been raking up the dead, wet leaves from the back field as my grandfather stokes the fire barrel to send them to their smokey demise. I couldn't have been more than 6, but determined to be a big girl I am hoisting up that rake that is twice my size, wearing my dad's old flannel shirt that scrapes the ground, I am quite the sight. I can just smell the mustiness of the leaves and the ash of the fire. I miss moments like that when it felt like nothing bad could ever happen because my dad and my grandpa would always be there to protect me. It's hard not to long to be an innocent child again...

It's my sister's birthday and she is turning 8 years old. She gets to go away to brownie camp for her birthday, so before she goes she convinces my mom to get her a new kitten. We go to the pet store and Jen selects the runt of the litter, a little calico cat who is so riddled with fleas she is a pathetic little sight. My mom takes pity on the little kitten and brings her home. Jen declares that her name will be "Colours" and I instantly hate it. While she is away I decide that she will be "Thumper" because she is scratching at her fleas so furiously that her back paw makes a constant thumping noise on the ground. She never was Jen's cat, she was mine from the start, and Thumper was my best friend until she passed away just 2 days before my 19th birthday. Even now just thinking of her makes me cry...

I have finally decided that dating is not so bad afterall (as long as you don't take it so seriously). I've been seeing a couple of guys and it's not going so badly. I meet this guy Nick on the internet, I'm not too sure about him, seems like we have lots in common, but he's not my usual "type" (perhaps that's a good thing?) So I figure, what the hell? If nothing else, it's a free cup of coffee. As it turns out, I bought the coffee and we sat outside in the freezing weather as my rolo cappucino gathered ice crystals. We decided to go across the street to the smokey little bar with open mike night, after many glasses of bad wine and irish coffee to warm my frozen fingers, I realize "Wow! I really like this guy".... I go home that night and tell my mom "I just met the man I'm going to marry" She laughs at me, saying that I'm overly dramatic, as always. On our wedding day she remembered my comment though and says "I guess you were right."

Life has been good to me. Sometimes I feel like I have lost more than most people, but I think I have loved more as well. I have had so many blessings in this life, too numerous to count. And two of those blessings are snuggled up in bed having a nap, and I think I'll go join them.