Save me from myself

I have come to the startling realization that I annoy the piss out of myself. In fact, if I were my friend, I would pretend I didn't know me and walk the other way when I said "Hi!"

All of those utterly annoying things that other mothers do that I swore I never would, yeah, well, we all know how well THAT turned out.

1) When Tristan was first born people used to say "He's so tiny!" and I would have to resist the murderous urge to wrap my fingers around their neck and shout "I just pushed this kid out my body WITHOUT DRUGS, you want to call him tiny again! Huh? Do you?"
Now what do I do? "Oh look at the pictures of Tristan when he was first born, honey, isn't he tiny? *shudder* I disgust myself....

2) Baby talk. I thought I had the self control to talk to my child like a normal human being. Who was I kidding? "Does Tristan has a poopy diaper? Ewww! Stinky! Better go and change your bum bum!" And to think that I considered majoring in English in University. Next...

3) We all know about the sweat pants. Don't I look fabulous?



4) I have stopped showering every day. If my hair looks decent, I will forgo the daily dip under the water. Why? I'm lazy, plain and simple. Not showering means I have an extra half hour to sit on my ass. And who doesn't want that?

5)Before I had a baby I was disgusted by people saying "Oh he's just so cute I could eat him up!" Is cannabalism supposed to be a compliment? Now I totally get it! I have been caught with a foot in my mouth (not mine, Tristan's) from time to time. I had to find out if babies tasted as good as they smell.


6) I am mothering my husband. I tell him to put his shoes away, hang up his pants, monitor what he's been eating, 'cause you know, not enough fibre could be bad for your prostate.

Here I thought I would be this hip, chic, diva of the suburbs... instead I'm schlepping it with the rest of you. And you know what, I guess that's not so bad afterall. I know some pretty freaking great moms out there, despite all of our quirks, that's what makes us moms. What more could I ask for?