Decisions, decisions...

Funny how your mind drifts when you're up at midnight with severe insomnia...

Nick and I have decided to try to have another baby. Trust me, this was not an easy decision to come to, there have been so many questions running through my head lately: do I really want another baby? can we handle another baby? do I want to be pregnant again? I kept telling myself that I was happy with just Tristan, that our family felt complete, and it does. I mean, if we didn't have another child I certainly wouldn't be going through my life saying my family was incomplete because of it. I feel like there is something (someone) else waiting for us.

You would think that since I am already a mother that deciding to have a second wouldn't be that big of a deal. In some ways though, it's bigger than it was the first time around. This time it's planned, executed. With Tristan, he was a surprise, completely. No one expects to get pregnant while on the pill! As much as I tried to convince myself that I wasn't ready to have a baby, how could I deny that this child obviously wanted to be born - why else would we have conceived? It seemed like there was somehow less pressure that way. If I didn't feel connected to the baby it was because I was still adjusting to the idea of being pregnant... if I couldn't picture myself being a mom it was because I never thought I wanted to be. So many excuses...

Now this time around, no excuses. I want this. So what if I don't do a good job? What if I physically can't handle it? What if I don't bond with this baby? What if I love Tristan more? Then what? It's my fault. No one else to blame.

But you know what? It'll be fine, it'll be great in fact. Nick is a wonderful father, and I hope that I'm a wonderful mom and will be again.

It's taken me a long time to really get to know my sister and appreciate her for who she is, but now I finally do. I hope that I can give that to Tristan and he can have the joy (and annoyance) of having a brother or sister.

And of course, babymaking is kind of fun too :)